If you have left an abusive relationship and gotten rid of the narcissist in your life, first of all, congratulations! You are no longer the supply of the narcissist and you can start living a full and free life.
But sometimes people end a relationship and start seeing the narcissist with someone else, either online or in person. And maybe he perceives them as a discount. These thoughts and opinions can make you feel doubt and confusion—What’s wrong with me? What does this new supply say about me?
This type of conversation is common on online discussion forums, with people expressing confusion about when the narcissist will downgrade in their next relationship. Since it’s a common discussion, I explored it in depth in a recent Youtube video. Check it out or read on here to dig deeper into this idea and how you can respond.
When we look at someone, we automatically make judgments based on things like their appearance, how they dress, their career, or their possessions. This is part of human nature and natural observation.
The problem is when we assign value to someone for those things. At the end of the day, those external things do not determine the value of a person.
So when people talk about someone else as a “downgrade”, they are making a quick and unfair judgment on a person without knowing much about them. When you see the narcissist with another person that you consider a downgrade, you don’t know the full situation or story of him. Automatically looking at someone as a downgrade is a judgmental place to be, rather than an open and compassionate place..
Instead of seeing someone as a downgrade being with a narcissist, we should consider that they are really just the next source of supply for a narcissist.
For a narcissist, there is no “downgrade” or “upgrade”, just supply. Because they don’t care what someone looks like, let alone who they are as individuals. Instead, they’re looking for something else, like:
- Money, property and other possessions
- power and control
- connections and networks
And these things don’t have to be correlated with appearance or anything else. In fact, many narcissists will date models and celebrities, showing them off like candy at a party. But after the party is over, there is no special treatment towards them.
There is nothing that “keeps” a narcissist except the supply they seek. It’s just about the supply.
Looking at someone as a demotion comes from a place of judgment: you don’t know their history. The reality is that many people have lost everything from a previous toxic relationship with a narcissist. Due to toxic relationships, people often lose their jobs, turn to drugs or alcohol, or lose custody of their children. These things could be considered “downgrade” qualities.
But here’s the thing: that could be you.
If you are in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, you could also lose your job, your family, your appearance, or anything else.. And maybe the next person the narcissist ends up with will see you as a downgrade.
So let’s have compassion and empathy: we don’t know people’s stories and what led them to where they are today. And if they’re in a relationship with a narcissist, chances are they’ve experienced trauma and toxicity leading up to it. to a negative place in your life.
You can’t know the whole story of the person, but do know that a narcissist will do anything for a solution, for its supply. Up or down is not an important concept for them as long as they get what they want out of a relationship.
If you’re looking at the narcissist’s new supply and considering it a discount, ask first why? What are you perceiving that makes you think this way?
Then come to a place of compassion and understanding: you know nothing about them and their history, and it’s critical to make quick assumptions about their value due to the appearance of other external factors.
More than this, it does not reflect on you: you have escaped from the narcissist and are no longer his supply. Therefore, they go to another place to find it. But if you continue down the same path with a narcissist and keep him in your life, you could be the “lower” and you could be the one that is struggling.
Instead of spending too much time thinking about the new person, focus on avoiding the narcissists and rebuilding your own life.
To deepen this topic, take a look at the complete Youtube video dedicated to it. You can also check out my entire selection of videos related to narcissistic abuse, breaking free from toxic relationships, and ways to heal.
Personally, when I left my last toxic relationship several years ago, I forced myself to be alone for a long time. During this period, I did a lot of healing work that I describe in The break-free program. I gave up and accepted that I hadn’t been willing to walk away when the red flags started to appear. I learned my coping schemas and figured out how to overcome my triggers. I did energy healing, both alone at home and through energy healing practitioners. I overcame the financial PTSD I had developed from losing my finances and being forced to start over.
These are the same steps you can take.