You are with an amazing spouse and are generally happy with the state of your marriage… except for one thing. You have a narcissistic father-in-law and they are driving you completely crazy! No matter what, they are creating drama and generally making your life more difficult.
Narcissistic relatives can be exhausting and frustrating for everyone involved. But things can get even more complicated when it comes to your spouse’s family. Here’s what you need to know and how you can deal with it.
Signs of a narcissistic father-in-law
Maybe you know something is wrong with your father-in-law, but you’re not exactly sure if you’re overreacting (or if they’re particularly difficult). As you may now, narcissism can be confusing and often manifests itself in different ways. Here are some clear signs that you are dealing with a narcissist.
always needing attention
Whether the attention is positive or negative, the narcissist absolutely needs to be in the spotlight. This need for attention is limitless. They will interrupt people, monopolize conversations, and even fake dramatic crises just so people will hear them.
exploit others
Narcissists care about their needs. much more of what matters to them that of others. Relationships, therefore, are purely transactional. They only seek to approach people based on what others can offer them. So you can wait exploitative behaviors such as lying, exaggerating, minimizing or even denying certain actions.
extreme mood swings
Your father-in-law can be charming and friendly at times. But you have learned that his emotions can change instantly. That’s because narcissists have incredibly vulnerable egos. Every time something threatens that ego, they feel personally attacked. As a result, they become overly reactive.
Extreme mood swings can look like:
- Completely withdraw from the conversation or scene.
- yell, threaten or project blame about the people
- Crying and becoming heartbroken when others try to help
- responding passive-aggressively
constant fishing for compliments
Narcissists want to be admired and go to great lengths to make sure others praise them. A constant stream of validation keeps your narcissistic supply going.
Compliment fishing can be seen as:
- Outwardly bragging about his achievements.
- Making self-critical comments (knowing that others will challenge them)
- humbly boastful
Ignoring your needs
Narcissists will only they care about their needs when their needs benefit them. There are very few exceptions to this rule. So, you can expect the narcissist to continue to deny, minimize, or even mock your needs. If they don’t align with what you want, don’t expect them to care.
How a narcissistic father-in-law can affect your marriage
There is an old saying that when you marry someone, you marry their entire family.
And when it comes to narcissists, this statement probably comes a little too close to home. You may not have asked about these parents, but you probably feel stuck with them. Furthermore, these relationships certainly matter, and research shows that 11% of couples they cite their in-laws as a key factor in the divorce.
Your narcissistic father-in-law is likely to do the most damage if your spouse can’t (or won’t) recognize the seriousness of his behavior. If they are continually defending their mom or dad, it’s going to cause problems. You will likely feel lonely, frustrated, and resentful if you don’t want to change the dynamic.
How you set (or don’t set) boundaries can also define the quality of your marriage. If you avoid the problem or expect it to resolve itself, you will surely be disappointed. As you may know, narcissists do not easily change their ways. This is especially true if they have no incentive to stop their outlandish behavior.
Finally, narcissists can cause serious breakups if you have children. They often believe that they have a right to participate in their upbringing. As a result, they will often try to butt in, override, or even “play favorites” with your children.
Life with a narcissist is never easy. And even if you want to cut ties entirely, doing so might not be practical. If your spouse wants to maintain a relationship with her parents, she will need to consider the following strategies.
Talk directly with your spouse
It’s one thing for your spouse to recognize toxic behavior and address it effectively. It’s another matter if you’re caught up in this power struggle where your spouse defends his father and sides with him in an argument.
The first step is patience. Discovering narcissism is painful, and even adult children often want
to protect their parents and give them the benefit of the doubt. Your spouse may not be fully prepared to recognize the seriousness of the situation. Likewise, they can be so emotionally abused and spent that they only see themselves as the ones with the problem.
However, it is important that you identify the problems that you notice. Be as specific as possible and don’t hesitate to express exactly how you feel.
Remember that your spouse may feel anxious, guilty, or upset about being “caught in the middle.” This is normal, they have spent their entire lives trying to handle this impossible situation. Try to be as supportive as possible while holding your ground.
Collaborate at the limits
Narcissists are like little children who never grow up. They are self centered, ego driven and focused only on satisfying their own needs. Your narcissistic father-in-law has probably proven this to you time and time again.
Whether your narcissistic mother-in-law wants to spend every moment of the day with her children or your narcissistic father-in-law becomes explosive when things don’t go his way, setting boundaries is essential if you want to maintain any semblance of functioning. relationship.
So you and your spouse should come together to decide what limits you want to implement. Ideally, it should be as much of a united front as possible. Because when narcissists assume they can triangulate themselves among others, they will. And they will happily pit people against each other just to get what they want.
Some clear limits could include.
- “I will not tolerate your mother criticizing my upbringing. If she does, I will leave the house immediately.”
- “I will not spend time with your father alone. I’m fine visiting as long as you’re with me.”
- “I just want to stay with your parents for two hours. If you want to stay longer, I will take a separate car.”
Define clear exit strategies
Most people find they need escape plans when dealing with narcissists. After all, things can escalate very quickly. And sometimes, it doesn’t feel safe to be in the same room anymore.
Having an action plan can help. Whether it’s a code word you share with your spouse or a reminder you have for yourself, it’s important to know when to walk away.
Don’t feel the need to apologize. You are an adult and you are allowed to limit your time with toxic people.
anticipate setback
You can and should prepare for resistance any time you set a limit. Narcissists are used to getting their way. When that doesn’t happen, usually rage.
You can expect some of the following reactions:
- Trying to convince your spouse that you are the problem
- Threaten to disown you or separate you from the family
- Tease their limits or act like they are childish.
- Crying or apologizing too much as a way to win your sympathy.
- Pretend as if you never set a limit (and continue to act as usual)
- Gossiping or trying to stain yourself with others
This setback will certainly be frustrating. But it has nothing to do with you. It is simply how narcissists react when others fight back.
stop trying to win
It can be very tempting to stoop to the level of the narcissist. After all, if they get to yell, cry, or make idle threats, why shouldn’t you? If they do cause all this drama, why shouldn’t you give them a taste of their own reality?
But here’s the thing: you can’t win a fight with a narcissist. That’s because you two are on completely different playing fields. One playing field is rooted in reality and the other is in complete fantasy land.
And believe it or not, they want you to compete with them. They want the battle, even if they pretend they hate it.
So, put aside the arguments and power struggles. Trying to win them is useless.
Instead, try to focus on protecting your own integrity. If you have children, be sure to look out for their interests as well. Even if you feel “bad” or “selfish,” remember that those feelings are probably because you feel entangled with the narcissist’s agenda. In other words, his behavior triggers that you feel like that
final thoughts
Dealing with a narcissistic father-in-law requires insight, clear communication, and strict limits. If your spouse agrees with you, the job becomes much easier. If the two of you are not on the same page, it is still essential that you take care of yourself. After all, no one has the right to disrespect or hurt you.
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